A Room of My Own

When I came up with the title of this blog a while ago I never thought I was literally going to search for something that was mine. My space. At Winona State, I had my own office, and at home I had a yoga and meditation room. Both spaces were mine, and in some ways I was like my dog Cooper and his crate. Cooper was very uncomfortable whenever anyone tried to pet him when he was inside. For my meditation room, I made a sort of sacred space, and when Todd walked in with his shoes on like it was nothing, I felt uncomfortable. It was the only part of the house that was mine. That was also why I spent a lot of time in my office. Again, my space. Which, of course, was yet another thing that I lost when I had to leave WSU.

Now, we live in a smaller house where I can't even get to my altar to sit, and the office is dominated by Todd's stuff, and toy boxes. The plan is that I would ge my own desk and some shelves and share the room with Todd, just like a have to share an office with Billie. Even that isn't mine yet, because I don't have any keys, so I can't use it whenever I want to.

The purchase of my desk keeps fading in and out depending on Todd's mood. Though he is at least looking at putting up shelves for me. It seems that we are always "looking" and never taking any action.

So I don't have a room somewhere. or anywhere.

Goodbye WSU

Well, I've finished and filed my dissertation in December and went to my Doctoral Hooding at UCLA in June! Hoorah for me.

But of course, nothing good happens for me without a major kick in the teeth. Since the Art Department posted the advertisement for the tenure-track position that I was supposedly a shoo-in for, the members of the committee made my life into a living hell. Everything was just a formality until they decided that they would rather have a Contemporary art specialist instead of a modernist like me. I was given "suggestions" to beef up my application materials and constantly reminded that there was no guarentee that I would get the job. The chair even called me into his office and suggested that I open up my job search and that I should prepare myself and not be "surprised" in the end. Well, when the phone call from the chair came three weeks before the end of classes I was not surprised. Hurt and angry, yes, but not surprised. Lucky for me I had applications out there for other positions.

I finished out the year and my students were really dissappointed that I had to leave. I also cried ALOT.

The wierd thing is that the members of the department had a "farewell" party for me! As if we were friends, when in fact, my friendships with any of them pretty much ended the day they opened up the new position. It definitely ended when they gave the job to someone else. But, not to burn bridges, Todd and I went and made nice. Now the chair has invited Todd and I for coffee or drinks next week to say goodbye. I really don't want to go, but I will need letters of recommendation from him at least for next year. So I play the hypocrite again while my chest starts burning and I fight not to cry.

On the plus side, I have a 1-year appointment at Missouri State University, in Springfield Missouri, and there is a potential tenure-track position coming up at Drury college, in the same town. So who knows?

recovering...regrouping

I started eating meat again after being sick to my stomach for the three weeks that I was vegetarian. I was so weak and nauseous that I wasn't able to work out or focus on my dissertation. So, I had a chicken and apple sausage on the 4th and started feeling better, and today I felt fine and was able to focus.

I went in to the office with my binders full of articles and the various versions of my chapters today and I found an earlier version of section 2.2 which was vastly superior to the version I was pounding out this year. I finally feel like it came together and with a bit more proofreading tomorrow, it will be ready to send to my advisor Al Boime at UCLA. Finally.

I also went to the fitness center and walked/ran on the treadmill. Funny thing was that my endurance has actually improved and I was able to run longer than I had before. I also worked with free weights and the pull-up machine.

It's such a relief not to be sick anymore. Especially now that I have only 3 month left to finish the dissertation and get it to Al in time to file in December.

the devil wears prada, but I wear mizrahi

Saturdays are fast becoming regular "girl days" with Missy after the morning WW meeting. This week I slept through the meeting beccause we had been up until 1am last night and I couldn't drag my sorry self out of bead in time. This is partly because the last time I rolled out of bed and just went in sans makeup, I had everyone aasking me if I was okay and being very concerned about me, so now I always put on makeup before I go. And I am currently searching for a treatment for puffy eyes and dark circles that doesn't cost $95.

Anyway, the plan for today was a trip to Target (the hippest store in Winona), shopping downtown, and then to the theater to see The Devil Wears Prada. We ended up spending most of the time at Target, and I did get a cute pair of Mizrahi slingbacks and a ribbon belt, even if we ended up skipping the FABULOUS shopping in downtown Winona.

Missy loaned me her copy of TDWP and while I started reading it, the writing is less than compelling and the characterizations are flat and two-dimensional. Andrea is good, Miranda is evil, and that's pretty much all there is to it. The movie, on the other hand, made Miranda a hell of alot more interesting and complex than she was in the book. There is a scene when Andrea mets her friends after work and she gives one of them a Marc Jacobs bag. I gasped when I saw it, but I think the rest of the audience (except Missy) didn't get it until the recipient said "Wow, this bag is like $1900 dollars!"

The scenes of New York and Paris made me homesick for a real city, with real fashion and food. Even though there was no way I could afford it (or fit into it), I loved being able to go into stores like Barney's or Saks Fifth Avenue and see all the beautiful things. I could go to beauty supply stores that carried every esoteric or hard-to-find bath and beauty products. Now, I have to mail order anything I want. I miss Sephora.

-2.4 = 20 pounds!

Finally! All the working out and counting points got me to a total of 20 pounds lost (1 more pound and I'll reach my 10% goal!). But what I'm really happy about is the fact that I no longer weight over 200 pounds. I also am finally starting to believe that this may actually work. Before I had just hoped, but now I feel that WW can actually help me lose a real, significant amount of weight.

Unfortunately, I haven't really been able to celebrate because both Todd and I have been sick this weekend. I didn't go in to the office today, so I'm re-reading André Breton's Nadja today. Miss suggested that it might be psychosomatic because I've been under a lot of stress (though I prefer "stress-related" because it sounds less like I'm making it up). I was actually a little hurt by that. I think when people know that you are on depression medications, they are quicker to read everything as being based around that. Which is odd, since her husband takes depression medication too, so you'd think she'd be more sensitive than that.

If it is all in my head, then I'm sabatouging myself and hurting my chances of finishing my dissertation this summer, and I'll lose everything. Okay, maybe I am under a little stress...

feeling different

Okay, okay...I should be happy that I am, indeed, losing weight, but I just wish it would go faster. But today I noticed that my body is changing. Not in a weird way or anything. I mean, I've noticed that I've gotten stronger. I can run longer on the treadmill, and bike the five miles around Lake Winona and barely feel it. But today was different, I found thay I am holding myself differently. My posture has changed, and I feel more confident.

0.7 pounds lost

shit! shit! shit!