Objects of Desire / Objects of Identity

Moving here to Winona meant big changes, especially when it comes to the availability of stuff that I loved in LA, which are now only available via the internet. (Hooray for the internet!) I equated the additional cost of shipping to the fact that our rent here is almost half of what we were paying for a two-bedroom apartment, and we are living in a house! Basically we were paying a premium to be able to find virtually ANYTHING we wanted...good food, entertainment, shopping...

Shopping. Shopping is something I dearly miss. Even though I couldn't buy the posh stuff in the boutiques, it was great fun to wander around the stores. Here, the coolest store is the local Target, and Issac Mizrahi's line for the store is totally overrated. Otherwise we have to drive 30 minutes into La Crosse, WI to shop at Old Navy or the local mall. In my own clothes, I've tried to find items, basics mostly, that I could feel good about wearing. I've begun to realize that I was really trying to maintain my identity as a person from Los Angeles, who was definitly not a Winonan, through my style and possessions. I even ordered toothpaste and shower gel so I could have my favorite brands that are not available here.

Problem is, since we moved to Winona last August, T has not been able to find a decent job. In each instance he applies for a job, but because of his law degree people assume that he'd be bored, or that he is just way over qualified. So, we're living on just my salary mostly, which makes things pretty tight. T handles the bills because, frankly, he's much better at it than I am. At the same time, he gets to tell me what I can and cannot purchase in every circumstance. Even if it is under $5. Tonight it hit me hard because he decided that we could no longer order the toothpaste I like, a french one called Elgydium I've been using it for years because it dosen't have the harsh mint flavors or artificial sweeteners of American brand toothpaste.

TOOTHPASTE!?? I'm sitting on the verge of tears about TOOTHPASTE! But little by little T has been forcing me to erode the various things that provided me comfort. I had the idea that I could keep a little of my life in LA even here in Minnesota. I feel stupid and childish feeling this way, and definitely not Buddhist at all. I suppose I was trying to hold on to my old life, because I'm not entirely thrilled with this new one. I love my job, Winona is beautiful, we're finally making friends here but I wanted to keep a few luxuries (toothpaste, shower gel) that I used to have at home. Winona isn't really home yet, and if T keeps having problems working, we'll probably have to leave.

So how does a girl from L.A. continue to be herself when plunged into the Midwest, two hours from the nearest Sephora?

"All I want...

is a room somewhere, far away from the cold night air. With one enormous chair; Oh wouldn't it be loverly?"

Actually, after moving from a two bedroom apt. in LA to a small house in Winona, I do have a room for my meditation and yoga, and an office of my own at Winona State University, but they are both kind of temporary. I can only have them so long as I finish my dissertation by the first day of the fall quarter at UCLA and file it by the end. So it's hard to feel as though they are entirely mine.

Almost everyone we've met in Winona just can't believe that T and I actually chose to move here until I explain that I got a 3 year full-time teaching post in the WSU art department. The job opens up again in 2 more years as a permanent tenure-track position, but they are doing another nation-wide search, so there is no guarentee that I'll get the job in the end.

and as if that were't enough, last January I quit smoking AND joined Weight Watchers, so no smoking under pressure and no emotional eating either. I've just become way too damn virtuous for my own good.

About this blog...I'm intentionally not telling anyone about my blog. If you happen to find yourself reading my posts, you are very welcome, but even if no one ever reads this, it is my virtual "room somewhere."